Receive Email Updates

Friday, July 19, 2013

FMSD's Statement of Intent

Note from Papa Tony, Founder of FetishMenSanDiego: After three years, it is time to update the original Statement of Intent for FMSD. I created the group in June 2010 under circumstances that were radically different than from what we are now experiencing. It's time to look forward. (All pics by our excellent Event Photographer Scott Smith).

Short FMSD Mission Statement:

FMSD organizes and promotes an ongoing series of events that bring us together as brothers in the San Diego Gay FetishMen community.

Long version:


As I tell new guys all of the time, 95% of our group's intention is to build BROTHERHOOD, first, foremost and forever. The other five percent is great:
- Sex is nice. Our guys get laid.
- Relationships are wonderful. MANY couples have joined-up as a result of meeting through our group.
- Kinky play is superb. No lack of that going on.
However, none of that is going to cause us to love, trust and depend-upon each other in MASSIVE quantities unless our primary goal remains to build brotherhood as a Tribe.

Brotherhood is the solid foundation that we stand upon. Every time that we succeed as cooperative, treasured brothers, more metaphorical concrete is poured upon the foundation. NOTHING else matters - Not power, not domination, not arm-wrestling for control, and certainly not denying respect to others.

We are based upon the Golden Rule. Brotherhood flows from treating each other well.


We can never, ever stop welcoming our brothers who are shy, new, or unsure. We can't put off the daily task of turning our gaze outward, outside of our comfy and tight circles, looking for the guys who are too shy to approach us, but yearn intensely for our friendship, respect and support. This conscious welcoming process must NEVER end. The moment that it stops, we turn into a clique, and we may as well head off to the tar-pits, like most other fetishmen's clubs worldwide.

New members are the best source of new energy, ideas, perspectives, leadership and volunteerism. If we deny the majestic potential of the quiet guy staring yearningly at a crowd of us insiders hugging affectionately across the room, then we completely dismiss the possibility that that he might be the one that leads us into our next Golden Age.

If we base acceptability of new members upon how CUTE somebody is, in the opinion of whoever is in charge of welcoming new folks, then the club dies at that very moment. We want all ages, all colors, all body-styles, and all experience-levels. As long as he's friendly, open-hearted and NICE, we want him.

FMSD's diversity is our biggest strength.


FMSD is unusual in that the guys who rise to the top are actual, charismatic, visionary leaders.  Not power-hungry, bossy guys, and not just guys with a title vest.  This leadership selection and nurturing process doesn't happen at random. In 2013 and beyond, titleholder contests are nearly completely irrelevant, as a way of generating new leaders.  They are fun to compete in, but they don't really identify the guys who are going to lead us all into the next phase on an ongoing basis.

The only effective process of finding, supporting, training, nourishing, encouraging and building leaders involves crowdsourcing.  In other words, IT TAKES A VILLAGE TO BUILD LEADERS.  If there is a huge, huge base of dedicated men who care about our Tribe's success, then a new leader can rise, take some chances, and be supported in NOT SCREWING UP as he stumbles out of the starting-gate. He'll have men supporting him on all sides, because that is what good men do. As time goes by, he'll get better and better.

If he just wants to use forcible power to attain his own selfish goals, then the support melts away.  As it should.

If he is a man with a big, honest heart, ideals that guide him, and the charm to enroll others in powerful dreams, then he will gain a large constituency that gathers in cooperation to help his dreams become reality.

I call this the "24/7/365 Plan" - Support should flow continuously.  Somebody who wants to make a difference as a Leader, Volunteer, Idea Fountain, Organizer, Go-Fer, Details Manager, Sergeant-At-Arms, or Visionary should always be loved and valued for their contributions.

No title vest required.


When faced with huge, swarming crowds of ridiculously diverse men, each of us with differing personalities, goals and egos, it can be hard to see what we all share that can bring us all into the future as a Tribe.

It's easy to see, once you know what to look for.

FetishMenSanDiego was based upon the honest, open declaration that WE WERE DAMAGED, and need deep healing. We have had a Holocaust that took away our strongest, wisest and best players, leaders, mentors and Patriarchs.  The effects are still rippling down the generations.

This tragedy has caused too many cities (including San Diego) to struggle and fail in endless cycles of trying the old stuff, and not doing very well with it. It's impossible to build a growing, thriving Tribe when people keep having their cynicism rewarded.

Gay FetishMen need to be butch, experienced and playful. No doubt.

But for true, ecstatic play, brotherhood and satisfaction, we have to shed the armor-plating and start from an endless and generous supply of trust and intimacy:

Hardcore, and
Power Play

are all extremely nice, and highly recommended, but they are far, far less important than

Frisky and

Think of puppies in a warm pile, or naked three-year-olds playing in a mud-puddle together. Those traits are the signs of a Tribe that is growing, thriving and STAYING CLOSE. FMSD has a firm footing of interconnectedness that we can all depend upon, no matter what.

That is what makes us succeed on a continuous basis.


FetishMenSanDiego focuses on the FUTURE, and completely letting go of the past. We are innovating faster than every other group like us on earth...


We are the experimental lab that every major city is studying.  Our astonishing results are being analyzed in Australia, Canada, South America, Asia, Europe and all over the United States. This is because we keep succeeding. We have a huge support-system that encourages us to keep reaching for the stars.

New generations will continue to rise in status, effectiveness, grace and passionate idealism. Let us gather shoulder-to-shoulder, so that they can stand on our shoulders.  Let them scrape their knees as they try new things, and our Tribe will help them up afterward, so that they can try again in a different way.

The price of innovation is to look foolish, or wrong, or baffling periodically.  No big deal. If we wish to  continue to be the shining beacon of new thinking, we have to allow for the "downs" as well as the "ups".  The trend will always be upward.

With a big, affectionate crowd of FetishMen behind our innovators, then we will all gain in wisdom and deep experience as a cohesive Tribe for decades to come!

No comments:

Post a Comment